I have been away for a long time, way longer then I ever imagined.
But life ran over me like a truck after we made the decision to go for a more streamline living. I knew it would be hard to adjust to going back to that old way, but I didn’t expect it would be THAT hard.
I didn’t miss it. At all.
I am trying to survive through this year, and thruthfully, it is not easy. I feel so miserable. It is a very confronting reality that makes me really question all the decisions we have taken so far, about life, about family, about work and values. Changing to a new set of values is hard. but going back to a set of values you don’t really believe in anymore is ever harder.
I don’t feel like my life is balanced right now, and I sure don’t feel like I am where I would like to be. I feel like I should be with my kids, and not only so, I am so passionate about everything homeschooling and self directed learning. And my daily reality is very far away from that.
So what is keeping me back??: My career. And I have one that I need to be active in, otherwise, I will lose my licence in a bat of the eyes.
And the most ironic thing is I am not sure that it fits me anymore. I don’t think it still stands up to my values. So it seems easy to say: well, just let it go, get away from it.
BUT. there is always a but right?
I just feel like I can’t.
There will be a time when my kids will be older and they will become independent. I can already start to see signs of this, and although it looked like a very, very distant futur not so long ago, it sure starts to feel real and much more round the corner then I thought.
Once they are out of my care, and able to care for themselves, what will be left of me if I don’t have a career/work life/ job that I love anymore? What will I do to help me be secure financially but most of all keep fulfilling myself? Life won’t stop the day my kids will be independent, life won’t stop once they have moved out. What will I do then?
I would love to recycle myself in something new. I feel like this could be a good time for this. I would be ready for this. But I am just not able to figure out what. I am not finding any other passions right now. I don’t have dreams to long for. No projects no visions of something grand and yet possible.
I just am not able to see myself doing something else that is meaningful to me then taking care of my loved ones until they don’t need me anymore. But then what? I will just have pushed the problem to a later part of my life when it will be harder to start anew.
I feel it is impossible to really reconcile a career and a family. And deciding between the 2 is downright impossible.
I’d love to hear your stories. Did you quit your career to do something else? Did you have to make a bold move about your job? And most of all, are you happy with your choice? How did you make it happen?
I would love to hear you out. And turn this rather negative post into a positive one!